So..

So...
after all i've been through.
I know I'm a freaking loser.
and I'm still denying it like a loser.

What is really happening to me actually.
I dun really understand what i want.
Maybe.. i juz haven't grown up.
People start to think as a 18.
I juz grow like a 18, but think like a 9.

Juz now I juz saw the result of the character design competition.
2 frenz of mine, got the prizes.
One gets the champion.
One gets the consolation prize.
and I get nothing.
Tomorrow they will be going to PWTC to retrieve their reward, with pride.
I'll be going PC fair and stuck myself between endless shoulders. with emptiness feeling.
They'll live it proud.
And I'll live it sad, normal, stable, ordinary.

I know whats wrong with me.
And I knew it for long time.
Every promises I made, has never came true.
Never execute. and I feel terribly sad for that.
My frenz was right. I didn't really put effort on his drawing.
and I lied to him, to protect my artist pride.

Sighs.
I wonder what is the very main reason that keeps me away from being a hardworking person.
is it because the life is way too good?
or... I juz dun really give a fuck about life.
Everytime my frenz ask me out. I'll told them I was too busy to hang out.
and actually..
I was sitting in front of this very monitor everytime.
I often tells my lecturer and frenz that I stay far away.
thats why sometimes I can't catch up the assignments because of time wasted on travelling.
but thats juz bullshit.
I know. Its really some bullshit.

After all this shits.
I told myself.
I made a promise myself.
I wanna be a time conscious person.
I wanna done everything within the time frame.
I wanna be more hardworking. more productive.
But..
It always ends up with a 0.




what is happening.
what is really going on.
i dun really understand.
and i dun really know.
i wanna find a way to solve it.
i wanna find a way to adapt it.
but after this.
i'll forget it. and give myself a list of excuses.
just to run away from it.
now i know.
Luck dun come to you.
You go to the luck.
You move yourself to the Luck.
people gets Lucky because they made their move.



5 minutes later.
again. i'll run away.
i'll run like a fugitive.
scares to face the judgement.
escape from responsibility.
live in my own world.

I wanna change.
I really really wanna change.
but talk isn't going to help.
It takes steps.
But i still figuring. When is my real first step.
I need guidance.
But at the end.
Everything. Still on My own.

Life is really tough.
Stand still and Die.
Move forward and Live.