.6 Silent Keys

suddenly recalled some of my secondary school memories again.
it's juz like a painful but also joyful history in the page of my memory pad.
all i know about my secondary school life is, i always being lefted out by someone for some reason. i seek for the reason and yet, there is none of them are reasonable for me to accept.
because everything they said and everything i saw is juz simply having an argument between the fact and the states.
i can't really say it's not my problem. and i more hardly can say that they're right in anyway.
maybe because of meeting someone lead me to this. or maybe because i really being built in this way by God. but right now, i can hardly think more about balancing the fact.

Lau Kahyan, a boyish gurlz, have big eyes, big nose, and of course, a big mouth.
what can i say about her? i thought we were cool, but things aren't like dreaming that simple.
it consist of tonnes of mind playing and body acting. i dun really understand her mind though.
i can't say she complicated, all i can say is, she closed herself away from me. why?
people says that my attitude is the main reason. yes i am dirty, in every way.
dirty minded, dirty body, and what else? dirty personality? then how beautiful are yours?
people feel beautiful about you because they know you. not because you REALLY beautiful.
and, everyone does have their own dirty personalities, i'm juz more than a normal person, thats all. i dun wanna take someone else and compare juz to prove i was clean, because it makes me look cheap.
or you hate me because i like you? and I dun think this can be the very reason you choose to ignore me, because Luv is innocent. why? why ? why? why? this stupid question haunted me for years since we met. i wonder why everyone cannot accept straight-hearted of a boy, and yet they can accept a straight-hearted boyish gurlz?
nah, all i can say is, this world going to materialistic. i cannot say i have a nice inner beauty for you all to look at, its juz that, isn't that people should open their arm and welcome every inner heart??
now that i was able to met you last week. and the first thing you said to me was : " eh, why goh ta siang is here one? " what the hell you want??? IT IS REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS IF I GO TO YOUR FRENZ HOUSE. now i recalled why you hate me, that day i asked you.
your answer was simple. "Childish" this term can be define in many ways, but i guess your definiton could be very straight. but please, look at the mirror and see CLEARLY . you are one of the childish too. you dun say you're mature. dun you dare to say that.
playing people bra = mature?
playing people breast = mature?
shouting in class = mature?
please larrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
YOUR ACTION, I CAN DARE TO SAY, IT IS REALLY SAME AS WHAT I DID.

i wanna say countless times of fuck you to you. i wanna slap countless slaps on your bumpy face.
i wanna force you to knee on me. i wanna see you crying out loud, pathetically.
but i juz won't do it. because i still wanna live on. i dun wanna because of you and ruining my own life.

finale : Lau Kah Yan, you're the most screwed up gurlz i ever met.
*******F****U****C****K*******Y****O****U***!***!***!