.7 I am Loneliness.

what is this strange feeling?

i feel surrounded by walls..

i feel cold and i have no where to keep me warm..

i feel quiet, silent..

what is this...

I feel lonely.


*** juz visited a friend in south city, and i saw he talking with her.
and i remember what her blog said. it was like a movie.
everything happening so dramatically. almost impossible for realistic to be true.
i feel so much regret, or maybe this is the destiny i've given.
i walk alone, talk alone, play alone, think alone, work alone.
i feel tired. i feel cold. i wanna hold a hand.
but the hands are impossibly reachable. no matter how hard.
in what way i try, my hands seems to be shorten every single unit i step close.
i feel tired. yet i still wanna have friends. so i try.
i trying to be a loyal friend and a selfish person at a same time.
i'm not able to sacrifice so much for a friend. i muz think of what's best for me at first priority.
i'll protect and help, when the friend has become my sworn brothers.
that time, it'll be meaningful and voluntary help for my brothers.
i was so jealous. why is it everyone was so ugly, but still they get friends?
i was ugly too. i can surely tell that i am extraordinary ugly creature.
but the value is over limit. public dun accept the concept of very ugly.
yes. i was being left out. it says that. people should've find their own gang in college,
since you're studying in major-a-subject college. but they are wrong.
i am totally speechless for this. i dunno who to blame with.
it can be very ridiculous and logical in both way. how am i suppose to make a conclusion?
i feel extremely confuse about the term of human being.
God, all i want is, a friend, a friend like him, to be my best friend.
i want to be like her, able to sacrifice for a friend. being sacrifice by a friend.
i feel blue now. the colours in my heart are no longer black and gray.
it was between dark gray blue and a blank. one mistake, lead me to death.


#case 1 :
i promised a classmate i'll shift into the house with him.
and he move in first. now he always come ask me when i move in.
i told him i'll try my best to move as soon as possible.
since i've been busy recently. and he scream :
" huh?! you dun kidding me wor, i dun wan give double rent ler!"
" you wanna shift or not de o?!"
i told him i'll try to move in as soon as possible. and he almost conclude that i dun wanna move in.
so i told him, you said you found someone who want to rent the room with you, juz go ahead.
no need to wait me. if there's no one then i'll move in.
" ........ " i knew that he was fed up. but i explain to him.
many things of mine are not settle yet. i feel so confuse.
juz like that, the first friend i made in class almost vanish into thin air.
who should i blame? me? for not being responsible about promise?
logically, yes. but i not sure with that. i really not sure.

#case 2 :
i was trying to be fit into the gang that i wanted to fit in when i still in secondary school.
i was fit in at last. i thought everythings gonna be fine. smooth and simple.
but things really happen. and now when i look back. i dun feel like missing each other of schools like what other did. i feel empty about my schools memories.
although i told my friend that i joined many activities in school.
but i still feel empty. unlike the others, they join together and produce a memory together to share.
i have nothing to share when they talk about the activities. people says that i can hardly interact with them because i stay too far away from them.
so everytime they hanging out, i'll ask the reason why i being left out.
" you stay so far, incovenience lar "
i said fine, to myself. it was a cruel fact. a fact that i cannot accept.
later somethings happen, and i disappointed her. she confess that she was hoping on me, she trust me, she believe i have a bright side yet to be known. she show her trust to me by telling me one of her big secret. and i sold her out. yes. i am stupid. i cannot blame anything. i can only blame that i was too stupid to be stupid.
now she have her own life. she have a perfect social life. and he become her lil' brother.
i was jealous about it. and regret, countless regrets. i was wondering that.
if i didn't made the wrong step, maybe i could end up like him. being one of her best friend.
finally. she said she forgive me. she thought me as a normal friend. i feel glad.
and sad. at the same time. we barely have one or more conversation everyday, or whenever we meet. in secondary school, all the friends i have is, cock friends. but i want a best friend. a true friend, that can share ideas, share thoughts, share experience, and someone who will listen to my confession. i trust what my friend said about finding my own gang in college, i truly entrusted the sentence. but. i saw the most cruel fact. i still being left out in class. because of the case 1.
now everyone thought i am a selfish and brainless boy who dun hold his promise.
yeah. i got nothing to say about it either. but i look back. i reversed my memory tape.
my secondary school memories are blank again. i know it was truly my fault.
and i know i really deserved it. but. isn't that everyone has a chance? to being remake about their own destiny? i'm waiting it. i'm not intelligent, so i cannot make chance. i'm not strong, so i cannot hold chance. i'm not weakling too. i do not wait for chance. so what am i?
i guess i was born as a puppet, used to fooled and entertain the God.


B Way, i wanna say a deep sorry to you. but i guess its too late.
Time are not reversible. I wish i can click the New Game button in my Game of Life.
I am sorry that i hurt you last time. I am sorry about everything i did to you.
No matter it was good or bad. I juz wanna say sorry. I don't expect you to see this and cry, or really forgiving me. I juz wanna do what i should do. Maybe it was wrong and seems not enough. But i was trying to do the best in the least.
I'm sorry.